"Why do you want to adopt a special needs child?"

“Why do you want to adopt a special needs child?” It was the morning of our court hearing—in fact, we were going to be leaving for the courthouse in half an hour—and our facilitator was preparing us for some of the questions we would probably be asked. This question, she explained, was guaranteeed to come up.

“Well,” Susan began, a little unsure of how to proceed. She offered a short, stock response: We found out about these children, we felt we had room in our family for another child, we saw how well adoption had worked out for other families….

“You’re not answering the question,” our facilitator said bluntly. “That could apply to any child. Why do you want to come all the way to the Ukraine, go through all this long process, to adopt a child with special needs—when there are children in your own country you could adopt? Or children here who are healthy?”

Well, that does get to the heart of the matter, doesn’t it? This question came up a few times at home—but usually along the lines of, “Why go all the way overseas to adopt? There are plenty of special needs children here.”

Here, the emphasis seems to be more on the “special needs” part of the question. As we’ve mentioned before, the situation in Eastern Europe for people with disabilities is very similar to what it was in the United States a few decades ago. Social norms, cultural biases, ignorance, and the near-absence of any civic infrastructure to accommodate people with disabilities all contribute to the problem.

A couple of incidents have deepened our understanding of why that question carries such importance here. As we briefly mentioned in another post, one of the advocates for the child in our court hearing really kept pressing us on how we could possibly take care of a child who was so severely handicapped and who would need “constant attention from a parent.” As we have heard from many other parents who have gone through these hearings, many people here genuinely can’t imagine any possibility for these children other than institutionalization. How could you possibly care for a child with special needs by yourself? At home?

When others in the room asked this woman why she was asking so many questions, she shot back, “Because I know from experience what it means to take care of a special needs child.” It turns out that she has two children at home, one with cerebral palsy, the other with club feet. Her husband left her after the birth of the second child. Imagine that your children are born with significant disabilities; imagine that you buck convention, ignore the doctors’ advice, and decide to raise them at home—even after your husband walks out on you. They cannot go to school. They receive no social services or help from the government. Getting out is a major challenge when the physical infrastructure of your town is virtually devoid of ramps, elevators, or other accommodations—and when some people will look at your children askance, or worse. What if they need special medical care? An operation? Besides having to find the money for this yourself, you have to go to the hospital with them, and stay with them the entire time, because no one will feed them for you. You have to stay with them all day, every day, without even a cot to lie down on.

What a brave woman. And no wonder so few people are willing to take on that challenge.

During our visit with Alex yesterday, we saw a woman visiting one of the other children in his group. From her demeanor and familiarity with the child, I’d have to assume she was his mother. She seemed genuinely happy to be visiting him. One of the reasons that many of these children are not available for adoption is because families have no other option but to house their children in an institution, but they do not want to cut ties with them.

Given that there are some 120 children in this orphanage, it is a little surprising that she is the only visitor we’ve seen in more than two weeks. On the other hand, quite a few people here work seven days a week. As one person told us, “We’re too poor; we can’t afford to worry too much about such things.”

Under the circumstances, it is no wonder that so many people (including a few judges and orphanage workers) seriously believe that foreigners adopt special needs children in order to harvest body parts, or for their own financial gain. (This was another question we were prepared to possibly be asked in court.)

“Why do you want to adopt a special needs child?”

We looked at each other, then back at our facilitator. “Do you really want to know the truth?” we asked. Yes, yes, she said—tell what is in your hearts.

The truth is that if people from more affluent countries don’t adopt these children, it is extremely unlikely that anyone will. The truth is that if these children are not adopted, there is a high likelihood that they will spend the rest of their (usually short) lives bored senseless, in the most literal sense, confined to a bed in a barren institution where their needs will be met only on the most basic level. The truth is, they may never know what it means to be loved.

The truth is, we are Christians, and God help us, there is no way we would be doing this if it weren’t for our faith. We know the love of God, and the love of family, friends, and neighbors, and we believe that we are called to “pass it on”—not just for the sake of others, such as these children, but because we believe that letting love flow through us—opening ourselves to God’s love, and passing it on to others—makes us more fully alive, and more fully who we were meant to be.

The truth is, we are opposed to abortion (and all forms of violence), and we take seriously the implications of our belief in the dignity of every human being. If we believe that these children should not be thrown away before their birth, then we bear some of the responsibility for taking care of them after their birth. Yes, we do.

And the other truth is, we have fallen in love with this little boy. We began this process because we heard God whispering to us, “Take this risk…take this chance…and watch how wonderful it will be. You can’t imagine all of the good things adopting this child will bring.”

Okay. Why not? Every time we follow the invitation of that teasing little voice—that challenge to stretch ourselves, to give a little more—wonderful things happen.

We would never want to discount the real hardship and sacrifice that accompanies loving any child, and especially children with severe special needs. Not everyone is able to do it, not everyone is called to it, perhaps sometimes not even the biological parents. That’s okay. We do what we can, right? But if the question is why we in particular want to embark on this journey, then the answer is simple: It’s good to love someone, and it is especially good to love someone who is especially in need of that love.

(Susan, by the way, wants it to be noted that we were not quite so poetic in court, where our answer was significantly shorter and more practical: We’re practicing Catholics, and our faith calls us to help others, and the children here need help that we are uniquely qualified to offer. Now that would have been a much shorter post, wouldn’t it?)